Thursday, April 30, 2009

Mixed Emotions ~ Baby Craze

Let's just get it out of the way right here right now: I'm not pregnant. (hi mom!)

There's been a lot of pregnancy announcements via phone and Facebook lately, however.

My friend Sarah even called to announce she's having twins! Yeah, I know, that's neat. But guess what? She already has four kids!

[getting out abacus]

This will mean she'll have six children.
Did you hear me?

I don't think you did. Tiff, you heard me. JulieC, you did, too.
She'll be having her SIXTH child.
Holy guacamole! Congratulations, lady.

I'm a twin. I'm the one on your left in the light green. That's my womb-mate on your right. Hi Jen!

There’s a joke that the girls drinking the water at this church are all getting pregnant.

A friend of mine came over today. I've known this gorgeous lady since the 4th grade. She says it was 3rd grade, but it was really 4th.
I think. Anyway, she brought her 7 month old baby and we talked babies and motherhood the whole time.

(Amber and Clay)

I received another announcement last week of a "surprise" pregnancy. Unplanned. Unprepared.

So I've been in baby land the past couple of days. Contemplatively speaking.

I love words but right now I am stumped. A gold star goes to the person who can find the word that best describes my feelings.
Beware...they're all over the place.

Happy to have been pregnant in my life
Happy to have had a biological child
Happy to have adopted children into my home

Sad to have needed a cesarean and never had the urge to push
Sad to have only raised one infant (my youngest came to me when she had just turned 4)
Sad to have not had the experience of raising a boy

Happy to have breastfed a child for 7 months
Happy to have been able to be a stay-at-home mom
Happy that I did not suffer from post-partum depression (for more than a few weeks)

Sad to have said good bye to the fun days of raising a single child
Sad to have spent a gazillion dollars on infertility tests only to have the docs shrug
Sad that it took another gazillion dollars and 2.5 years to adopt

Happy that I only had to lose baby fat one time
Happy that my only child is no longer only and has sisters forever
Happy that if I get pregnant, or am called to adopt another child, or have no more children added to my home, that I will be fully satisfied and content with life.

Happy that I follow God and trust His plan for my life
Happy that the children in my home are undoubtedly the greatest on the planet
Happy that I'm light years away from 35 and have three kids 7 and under

Happy that I've been pregnant once
Sad that I've only been pregnant once
Sad that I've only been pregnant once
Sad that I've only been pregnant once


Amanda P said...

I hear you, I hear you. I'm all over too. I hear you.

Blessed Mama of 4 said...

I love that I get honored with an abacus... its a little surreal.

I love that I can look at you and your sister and see such a sweet friendship in that special bond.

I know I didn't confirm it with you right away, but when I first realized this pregnancy, one of my most exciting thoughts was that I could ask you to be with me at the birth. You are such a special friend and one who has so much love for kids. My heart breaks when I think of the questions and delayed hopes you experience, but I am also so encouraged and inspired by the way you have walked forward, and upward in your faith. That encourages me when I look at impossible tasks that the Lord sets before me and I thank God for your voice of reason and calm and encouragement that are constantly pointing me back to Him. I pray for a fun little surprise for you in God's timing... but soon. :-) I love you girly!

Oregon Corrigans said...

I know what I'll be praying for :) God bless you my friend, your girls are beautiful!! I love reading your blog :)

Jenny said...

Mmmm... no words either. Great post though.

(Thanks for the plug, too!)

Youthful One said...


Sweet melancholy. (My short definition.)

I was there a few months ago. When I wondered if we were 'done' having kids. When I wondered (and still do) if we'll ever GET to adopt. When I wondered if I'll ever breastfeed again. When I realized I had never planned for most of my kids, but never planned to be 'done' having kids either. (All before I discovered we were expecting #6.)

I can't think of too many other moms I know that I can wholeheartedly say, "I am proud of your parenting, and from you I learn how to better trust God and parent too."

Anonymous said...

I have been reading here for about a year but never posted until today. I have three beautiful boys (two pregnancies) thanks to the miracle of God working through brilliant doctors, a gazillion dollars and the high tech blessings of modern fertility treatment. I love being a stay-at-home mom. My boys are my heart. And yet.

I grieve for the daughter I have always felt had a place at our table.
I hate that the process of getting pregnant was riddled with stress, fear and that there were three other people in the room when my boys were conceived.
I feel guilty that my first reaction isn't always joy for the women in my life (who I love) and who get pregnant "acoording to plan."

I heal for a while with this issue and then sometimes, in the baby seasons like you are describing, I am filled with volumes of sadness for how it DIDN'T go for us. And then guilt and anger at myself for focusing on that when my life is so rich.

I will be praying for you and sending you wishes for peace.


Donovan and Julie said...

Happy and sad at the same time--I feel ya all the way. Life is so rich with conflicting emotions, no? xoxo-love to your girlies 3!

Amy Cate said...

So many things to say:
Thank you for sharing the intimate of your heart.
Once again, you have a wonderful way of putting it.
I can't think of a word for your feelings...only several:
As described by you - Complex. Blessed. Emotive. Hopeful.
As described by others - Wise. Normal. Tender.

You made me think a lot tonight and read this twice. =)

The Haiti Lady said...

Having been pregnant 4 times, lost 4 times and only having adopted children, I understand. I had one infant (back in the days when adoption was somewhat faster) and all the rest older children. To make the deicsion in OUR minds is to be at peace with it, to have someone or something make that decision for us, wether it be infertility, tubal pregnancies etc) it takes that contentment away..that power in our lives is gone. I had to have my tuebs tied after years of loss and adoption...I cried when that deicsion was made out of the sadness for the children I never had and bliss for the ones I did...very 2 edged sword.
LeAnne The Haiti Lady

Molly W. said...

Thanks for sharing your heart Julie. I'm thankful for your 3 girls in your life.

Angela said...

I loved this precious look inside your heart. I'm afraid I don't know just one word or phrase to sum up all those emotions.

Angie said...

I just wanted you to know that I starred this post and have read it several times in the last few weeks. It's so tender and honest. I admire you as a mom and pray that you feel God's love and peace today!